A trip to the county health department equals fun, fun, fun

Today I experienced the county health department for the first and hopefully last time. I will say this, the types of people I saw there surprised me and are a testament to the state of health care in the U.S.

There were nicely dressed couples, young women in suits, even women in scrubs for crying out loud --- doesn't ANYONE have health insurance anymore!!?!? I'm a fulltime student so I don't really count. But what about these other people? I had to make my appointment a month and a half in advance to compete with them. Only one person matched my expectations. You know, the 'my baby's daddy' type who apparently had just tested positive for a second pregnancy and had a very sad, scared looking 3-year-old following her around who could barely see for all the blonde hair in her eyes. This person looked to be about 17. Other than that it looked like a gathering of representatives for middle class America. Which was great because I could worry less about contracting some freakish STD if any of the instruments weren't washed properly.

But on to the fun. First, a nice nurse who looked to be in her 40s gathered up all the new patients so we could collectively fill out paperwork and watch educational movies that we had all previously viewed in the seventh grade. We learned about all the different methods of birth control and I mean ALL of them. I was making fun of it at first, but I have to admit, I've always wondered how the sponge or diaphram actually worked. There were diagrams and everything. The graphics were top notch with very realistic looking penises ejecting clouds of semen. I learned there's a type of device called the, well I forget what it's called, but it's basically a cervical cap. You stick it up inside yourself and it surrounds the bottom part of the cervix. Owie!!! Lord knows how you pry the thing out. After watching the video all the girls in the room maintained that yes, they still just wanted the pill. Only interested in the pill, for sure now. Then came the mountains of paperwork where along with our name and address, we had to answer if we were bisexual, our partner was bisexual, had we had sex in the past 24 hours and how many partners had we had in our lifetime. I swear, you could literally see everyone freeze up when they got to that question. They concentrated hard, thinking about how they could lower the number....'let's see, that one time with Billy doesn't count because it only lasted like 5 seconds... and that time with Bobby, hm...' If guys were filling out that form, they'd be doing the opposite for sure. They'd add partners based solely on fantasy.

After our papers were collected our prim 40-something-year old nurse described condom usage while flopping a giant, what looked to be used condom around in her hands. Then we got weighed – 116 with shoes on, woo hoo! – blood pressure taken (108 over 72, good) and the other usual doc office stuff.

Then on to the real examination room. The one with, uuuugg, the stirrups. I was under the impression that a med student would observe, not perform. Well, I was wrong. Really, there's just nothing like having a nervous, chubby 3rd-year med student feel every inch of your boobs, then request that the grandmotherly nurse in the room raise your chair so he could get a better angle at your vagina. Things got more tense when he couldn't get a sizable enough swab of cervical tissue. I swear, the student, the nurse and the real doctor were all leaning forward collectively looking at a giant cutip of my cervical tissue deciding it wasn't enough. He'd have to go back in. Fantastic. I had a feeling the way he was fumbling around my vagina during an exam was exemplary of his performance in, well, other areas. Sensing the tension, the grandmotherly nurse began asking about my socks. (Yeah, I left my socks on. I wanted to feel like something was covered, plus my feet tend to get cold.) I told her I got them at Target. Aah, finally the instrument was out. Then, no joke, the med student and doc started to go over the whole thing as if they were analyzing a football play.

The student: 'Yeah, I just couldn't really get a good shot at the tissue.'

The doc: 'You were real close. Sometimes you've just got to go around the....'

Oh geez. Are we done here?
And then the grandmother gave me my pills and asked me if I'd like her to throw in some condoms for good measure. I said sure.
Now as I sit contemplating all this, a few week's worth of condoms and a year's supply of birth control pills lay on my kitchen table. I suppose it's all worth it to save at least $450 on pills alone — that doesn't even count what the office visit would cost. Which brings me to, oh god, please let me have health insurance next year...